Çocukluğumdan beri defalarca defter tuttum. Sayısız sayfa yazdım ama her mental çöküşümde her şeyi yırttım, yaktım, yok ettim. Bugün hâlâ pişmanlığını yaşarım elimde tutmayı beceremediğim her bir satırın. Bu yüzden bu siteyi kurdum. Dijital bir günlüğüm olsun ve ilerideki çocuklarıma miras kalsın diye. Kim bilir belki tesadüfen denk gelen birilerinin ruhuna dokunurum.
Yalnız başına vakit geçirmekten inanılmaz keyif alan biriyim. Susuz kalmış her bitkinin ve karnı acıkmış her sokak hayvanının annesiyim. Her şerde bir hayır olduğuna inanan, hayatın toz pembe olmadığını bilmesine rağmen her şeye toz pembe bakmayı öğrenmiş küçük bir kızım
dear diary
12 June 2025 – I wanna cry.
Until ı forget everything.
I don’t wanna feel that pain on my throat anymore.
I hate every moment that my family keep theirself silent for rudeness.
I hate the brother of my mom.
I hate the way my grandparents raise that cunt.
I don’t wanna keep all these hurtful feelings in my heart but its so hard.
Am ı too sensitive or am ı becoming the sound of the silent women of my family?
But when ı answer a man, they think my family didn’t behave me.
I raised myself from 0.
Whatever ı have, ı did it without a help.
But instead of saying “Mashallah”
They keep asking me when ı will get marry.
I’m so sick of this non-educated monkeys.
I wanna cry.
I wanna forget.
I wanna forgive.
I don’t wanna bury my tears in my heart anymore.
My dad has a lots of problem but only if he talking with me.
To the outside, he’s hands are so open.
Am ı a daughter or a wallet?
Why ı am the only one who carry the family traumas on her shoulders?
God, make me forgive and forget.
Because ı dont know what to do with all these feelings.
I’m on my way to Istanbul.
I supposed to be happy because finally ım going to Belarus.
But instead of making nice plans, ım looking for the greenest park so ı can cry under a tree.
Am ı too dramatic or weak?
Or ım just a human?
God.
I wanna cry.
I wanna forgive.
I wanna forget.
I wish the women of my family can be happy.
But no.
There is only sadness in their eyes.
They are in this world for over 50 years and they didn’t even swim in their life.
They never had a vacation.
They never had a nice rest.
Labor, kids, pressure, all that hardwork.
God.
I swear to god ı cant handle with all these sadness.
My heart is sick.
Not because ım sad.
Because of everyone that ı love is sad.
I wanna cry.
I wanna forget.
God.
Please.
2 September 2025 – I have a great life. Good job, good money, good life standards, good face, good body but there is something still stuck on my throat. Because doesn’t matter how much you shaped you future, your past will haunt you on the silent corners of life. You will think everything is amazing, you can afford everything for yourself right now but that Winx Club doll which you never had will continue to be your wound. Because your family barely afford food and bills, there is no chance for silly things. I always though if ı can be successful my family will proud of me. Well, by the words they did but ı never received a gift, some flowers. My dad sent flowers to fiancée of my brother when its her first day at her new job. I’m working since ım 15 and ı never received it. Even though ı always gave my money to my dad, ı didn’t even had a choice about that. I’m not jealousy, ı swear ı want the best for everyone but what about me? My sister got a golden bracelet just because she decide to wear hijab. What about me and my success? I don’t know. Last 6 months ı really get cold from my family. All the drama, all the melancholy, ı cant take it anymore. And ı dont know what happened to me i this last year but ı started to face all my childhood trauma. The words that my father says, the moments that my mom beat me up, the moment that my sister says ı have to leave as soon as possible just because she thinks ım he responsible one of the drama. I can’t forget anything anymore. Aynur gave me a call couple weeks ago. I was so happy, like finally my sister called me. Haha, she just asked for money. Everyone thinks ım a wallet. I’m so sick of this. My father didn’t even talk to me anymore. He’s not calling, he’s not texting, ım the only one who don’t receive texts from her family. Now my brother will have a wedding. I don’t wanna go to turkey anymore. I will be there only for the wedding date and will leave immediately. Because ı dont wanna spend effort for anything. I don’t wanna receive stupid questions like when ım gonna get married. I’m so done. I’m so sad. Im so sad. I’m so sad. Imso sad. Imso sad. I am so sad.
26 September 2025 – Use your sadness as a fuel. Life will not freeze just because of you are sad, this is life. Sadness is part of the cycle. That’s fine. Everything will be alright and you will feed some cats, take a deep breath next to ocean and you will forgive everything. Everyone. And first, yourself. Because there will be no peace as long as you are mad to yourself. You are not weak, you are just a human.
You’ll be better. Prettier. Smarter each day.
And they will just talk. Because this is the only thing they can do.
So, wipe your tears. Understand that you are alone in this world, no matter who do you have. End of the day, its you, its only you.
4 January 2026 – I am in Athens right now. I’m flying constantly, since last day of 2025. I woke up with nightmares again. My eyes keep twitching all day. Life is going on, but some things are stuck on 17 December 2025. I don’t know if it will pass one day. Now I will get ready to have a walk, as always. Then I have my return flight to Dubai, finally. My mom and my sister will visit me soon. I want to give them a nice vacation so they can heal a bit. And i will heal once i see them smile. I think i need a therapy.
8 January 2026 – I wish i grew up in a different environment. Whenever i see people who is doing figure skating, ballet or playing some instruments makes me inhale deeply. I wish… My father raised a good girl who don’t know anything about life, who didn’t experience anything and now i am 25 years old, who’s never celebrated Valentine’s Day. Thanks to him, he raised a good girl who is reasonable for everyone but lost of everywhere. Now i am such a good girl and this is exactly what makes me this lonely and this much sad. I am drowning with all these feelings. I wish i never saw my mom like that. I wish i never had to cover my sisters ears to prevent her to hear my moms screams. God, i want to forget. I want to heal. I need a hug. I need to cry. What the hell i am writing? Why…
16 January 2026 – I had a huge mental breakdown couple days ago. I woke up midnight and started to get ready for my flight. On my way to headquarters, i started to overthink. It continued for hours and hours, i cried during take off and landing. My colleagues thought i scared of the rejected landing but i was crying for what happened on 17 December 2025. On my way to home, i cried. I reach home, i cried in elevator. When i finally enter my room, i literally fell to the floor and couldn’t breath because of crying. I was on the floor maybe for half an hour. I can’t forget, I can’t forgive, I can’t handle with it. I don’t have power even for daily needs. I love my job but i am keep forgetting everything, i feel like my brain get numb and don’t want to focus anything but my mourn. My mom’s screams are running into my brain. I don’t want to eat anything but i feel like i gain weight and I don’t want to look at the mirror anymore. I have to much people around me but i never felt this alone before. I arranged my first therapy session for tomorrow. I don’t have any hope but i have to try. I am drowning with all of these feelings. I wanna run away but where? I am traveling the world and i am not able to fit anywhere. There is a battle in my mind. I can’t stop. I don’t even wanna see anyone. My mom and my sister will visit me in couple days. I wanna give them the best experience they ever had because I feel like i will heal only if i can heal them. I closed my social media. I am not answering any messages from WhatsApp. If i go out, i just play regular me, funny and happy. But i am not. I am just put a mask on my face because I don’t want anyone to ask me what’s wrong. The second that i remember, my eyes get watery. I wanna get heal. But how. When. I need someone but I don’t want anyone. I need a hug but I don’t want anyone to touch me. I have to go home but i am everywhere, do i even have a home anymore? What i want? What i need?