I wanna cry.
Until ı forget everything.
I don’t wanna feel that pain on my throat anymore.
I hate every moment that my family keeps itself silent to rudeness.
I hate the brother of my mom.
I hate the way my grandparents raise that cunt.
I don’t wanna keep all these hurtful feelings in my heart but it’s so hard.
Am ı too sensitive or am ı becoming the sound of the silent woman of my family?
But when ı answer a man, they think my family didn’t behave me.
I raised myself from 0.
Whatever ı have, ı did it without help.
But instead of saying “Mashallah”
They keep asking me when ı will get marry.
I’m so sick of this non-educated monkeys.
I wanna cry.
I wanna forget.
I wanna forgive.
I don’t wanna bury my tears in my heart anymore.
My dad has a lots of problem but only if he talking with me.
To the outside, he’s hands are so open.
Am ı a daughter or a wallet?
Why ı am the only one who carry the family traumas on her shoulders?
God, make me forgive and forget.
Because ı dont know what to do with all these feelings.
I’m on my way to Istanbul.
I supposed to be happy because finally ım going to Belarus.
But instead of making nice plans, ım looking for the greenest park so ı can cry under a tree.
Am ı too dramatic or weak?
Or ım just a human?
God.
I wanna cry.
I wanna forgive.
I wanna forget.
I wish the women of my family can be happy.
But no.
There is only sadness in their eyes.
They are in this world for over 50 years and they didn’t even swim in their life.
They never had a vacation.
They never had a nice rest.
Labor, kids, pressure, all that hardwork.
God.
I swear to god ı cant handle with all these sadness.
My heart is sick.
Not because ım sad.
Because of everyone that ı love is sad.
I wanna cry.
I wanna forget.
God.
Please.
☼
I was 7 years old
Crying in my bed and praying to god to save the elderly and sick people
I was 15 years old
Crying in my bed and praying to god to save the elderly and sick people
I’m 24 years old
Crying in my bed and praying to god to save the elderly and sick people
☾
Someone died? You learned patience.
Got hurt? You discovered your strength.
Faced scarcity? You learned how to make the most of little.
Were you abandoned? Now it’s time for your soulmate to arrive.
There’s no such thing as “bad” everything is good.
There is goodness hidden in all things.
✩
How many times you get lost while looking for where you belong?
☼
All of these drama is not because of you deserve me
Its because of ım still a little girl who believes that she can heal everyone
Your soul were sick
I thought ı can heal you
Now look at me
End of the story
I am the one who need to get heal
I’m traveling the world
Sometimes just because of to find you
I know very well where are you
But ım looking for you even in the places that you never been
What is my problem
Why ı couldn’t finish a thing that never started properly
Why ı wanted to take care of you
Even ı was sure that you were not a good idea for me
Why ı was praying for you even when you hold someone else between your arms
Why ı was waiting for you even when you were happy with someone else
I don’t know
You will never know
I will never let you know
Because all of these feelings are not only about you
Its about me too
Because ım still a little girl who believes she can heal everyone
And your soul is sick
it was in your little green eyes
There is sadness there even when you are smile
I will willing to die if you reading this one day
But ı have to write
Because
I’m
Drowning
With
All
These
Feelings
☾
To my future husband.
I don’t know where to start.
I was a kid when ı was running away from darkness, ı couldn’t tell anyone about the things that ı felt. I didn’t even know what that was.
I was a kid, ı was crying and praying for elderly people. I’m 24, nothing changes. Just because of that, ı studied nursing. Probably you will think ım just a girl who’s a flight attendant in Dubai but no, there is a huge story behind.
That’s why ı want to write.
I was a kid, my dad made me promise to take care of whoever needed and never ask for money. Only ask for prayer. I owe him my life. Because ı have a kind of life that ı can never dream and ı always believe the prayers that ı receive from my patiences.
I was a kid, ı became the mother of all the stray animals and all the thirsty plants.
I was a kid who grew up in a small neighborhood without a friend. My biggest dream was having a walk to school with someone. Never happened.
I always believe that the love we have inside is about our potential. I can cook for you, ı can die for you, but it’s not only because you deserve it. It’s because of this is my potential. Am ı jumping from one topic to another? Who cares.
Please just hug me tightly.
I swear to God I don’t even remember when is the last time ı let someone wrap me between his arms.
Didn’t ı want? I did. But this is the witty part of life. 100 people will want to hug me and ı will never touch them. Then ı will find myself 1 person’s arms and it will never happen.
I think this is my curse. Or maybe my luck, ı don’t know.
I think you are praying so hard to keep me safe, ı couldn’t manage to feel anything to anyone for a long time. And when ı have a feeling, things just didn’t happen.
I just received couple apologies, but ı forgive everything without it. Because this is my potential. I buried many things into my heart. Inshallah ı can open it to you.
Please just love my hair. You cant imagine how ı need it. I create a good life from 0. I did everything ALONE. I never talked about it to anyone but ım so tired. I just wanna lay down next to you and close my brain for a second. I don’t even know who you are, ı wish ı know. Atleast ı will have something to miss, but waiting for you without any sign is so hard.
I don’t know how to accept people. I fell in love before, one time. Almost got married but now, ı don’t even have any memories in my mind with him. And one time, ı deeply wanted to heal someone. The deep sadness in his eyes and the depression that surrounds his soul were something else. I was thinking ı could heal him, but end of the story ı became sick. Anyway.
Why ım telling you about it? Because ı want you to know me.
My heart, my sadness, my dreams, and my fears. Please always hold my hand.
I’m so shy, ı don’t like physical intimacy. I need real feelings for that. Probably ı will not even be able to look into your eyes for a while, please just be patient. I promise ıll be good, just know that ı will need time.
I was raised in a very traditional, religious, and patriarchal family. I don’t know how to argue with my man. Whatever you say will be my right.
Please, please, please don’t take it as an advantage. You should know that ı will sit next to the door for a long time just to go away quickly when ı don’t feel safe.
Just let me love you the way ı know. I need it.
I don’t know who you are, but ı miss you.
Please, find me. The loneliness that surrounds my soul is getting heavy.
Find me.
Hug me.
Please.
✩